Reviews
(Spoiler alert: There aren’t any.)
If you’ve ever gotten food poisoning at a five-star restaurant or purchased the best damn taco to ever grace god’s green earth from the back of a pickup on the side of a dirt road, you understand that other people’s perceptions are rarely of much use in determining whether something (or someone) is right for you. Nowhere is this more true than in professional companionship. Add to that the profound cringeworthiness of most companion reviews, and you can see why I choose not to participate in my industry’s review culture.
However, I do understand the desire for others’ input when deciding which companion is right for you, which is why you’ll find below a compilation of feedback from various people from my life, past and present. Hope it helps.
“Ashton is the most beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and kind person ever born. If you don’t agree, then you’re deaf, blind, and damn ignorant.”
— My mom
“Excellent writer. Impeccable grammar. Such an insightful, clever young lady. And very popular with the boys. And the girls. She was magnetic.”
— My 6th-grade English teacher
“She drives me crazy. Like no one else. She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself.”
— Fine Young Cannibals
“Ashton was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was a fool to go and lose her. Since we broke up, life isn’t worth living anymore.”
— Every guy I’ve ever dumped
“She’s so hot. Wish our parents had never gotten married. It was torture growing up in the next bedroom.”
— My stepbrother
“I’ve never seen someone milk anything or anyone with such prowess and gusto. That woman knows what to do.”
— A dairy farmer I once knew